Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
