So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
