Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
