I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Terrible idea I love it
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
