Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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