So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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