Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I want her autograph on my taint
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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