I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
