Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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