dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
