i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
