I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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