I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
