watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
