ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
