We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
