apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
