Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
