pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
