its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
ok first of all what the fuck
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
