I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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