he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
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This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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