god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
