I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
