I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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