I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.