i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
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Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
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I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills