Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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