Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
