id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
