yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
foreskin is a definite game changer
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
