Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
