We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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