I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
