A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
