No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
