Your mouth is God's brothel.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
