I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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