Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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