okay pat passed out under dana's car
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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