I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
