I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
