She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
