He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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