I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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