I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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