I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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