Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
