So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
