the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
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No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
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walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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