My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
