I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
