My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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