and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
