god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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