My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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