Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just had sex bonerless
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Come see our sink grown plant.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
